English - It's your friend!

Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce you to the English language. Meet it. Get to know it. Maybe shake it's hand or something. So, it's your friend now, right? Don't shit on it. It isn't nice to shit on your friends.

Most people speak correctly. Or at least, correctly enough that I won't take issue with it. Steve, my keyboard player, has a penchant for using the word "brung", which, of course, does not exist in any parlance known to humankind. I have taken the recourse of direct and immediate intervention to correct this, very much the same way that one trains a retarded puppy. Why, then, do people find it so hard to write properly, when they can speak just fine?

Perhaps the worst transgressor against language as we know it is the bank of abbreviations, made up symbols, and general stupidity that has risen with modern internet culture. The advent of the text message, which I dearly love, has boned proper grammar by making it physically difficult to achieve. It's hard to type complete words and phrases on those tiny keys! However, some technical genius invented T9 word, so I have little to no sympathy for this excuse. Here is a list of things that are not words that are commonly found in text messages and emails.

b4 - Meaning, before. Get it? Ha ha, we are so smart, S-M-R-T.
h8 - Hate. As in, I hate people who use this abomination.
wtf? - I actually like this one. It makes me chuckle.
Where you at? - This positively infuriates me. There is no way I will ever believe that this is easier or faster to type or say than the proper version, "Where are you?" This phrase feels like a deliberate attempt to sound more clueless. Get a job.
UR - Meaning, your. Because on the internet, the letters Y and O are abhorred.
2nite - I can just envision Eric Clapton crooning, "I say yes, you look wonderful 2nite..."
GTG - Representing "Got to Go". Wow, you must have an urgent need to depart, you didn't even have time to write the god damn words! This one is doubly irritating, because it is an acronym for a grammatically incorrect phrase. Why couldn't it be HTG, for "I have to go"?

What if these things slip into mainstream culture? We put kids through years and years of schooling in order to make them functional adults, and a large part of that is the understanding and utilization of written words. I'm not saying I expect a works cited page with every email - I'm just afraid that one day, some employer is going to receive a cover letter that looks like this:


Mr. Joe Whatever
Human Resources Manager
That One Company
Detroit, MI



Dear Joe,

Sup? i needs $$. im good @ work so u should hire me. K?

Well, GTG, c u l8er



Signed,

Some Douche


Won't that be a terrible day? In olden times (10 years ago), you wouldn't be able to get away with drawing a smiley face on an interoffice memo. I'm serious, they would fire a bitch for that, no joke. By allowing ourselves to use these corner-cutting, IQ draining emblems, we are dragging the level of discourse to its lowest state.

If you have used these in the past, don't worry, I don't hate you! All is forgiven. You probably owned Pogs! too. Just quit using 'em.

If you would like to pass this message on, and you have a friend who commits this literary felony, you know what will fix his little red wagon? A punch in the wiener. For-Realzz.