Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce you to the English language. Meet it. Get to know it. Maybe shake it's hand or something. So, it's your friend now, right? Don't shit on it. It isn't nice to shit on your friends.
Most people speak correctly. Or at least, correctly enough that I won't take issue with it. Steve, my keyboard player, has a penchant for using the word "brung", which, of course, does not exist in any parlance known to humankind. I have taken the recourse of direct and immediate intervention to correct this, very much the same way that one trains a retarded puppy. Why, then, do people find it so hard to write properly, when they can speak just fine?
Perhaps the worst transgressor against language as we know it is the bank of abbreviations, made up symbols, and general stupidity that has risen with modern internet culture. The advent of the text message, which I dearly love, has boned proper grammar by making it physically difficult to achieve. It's hard to type complete words and phrases on those tiny keys! However, some technical genius invented T9 word, so I have little to no sympathy for this excuse. Here is a list of things that are not words that are commonly found in text messages and emails.
b4 - Meaning, before. Get it? Ha ha, we are so smart, S-M-R-T.
h8 - Hate. As in, I hate people who use this abomination.
wtf? - I actually like this one. It makes me chuckle.
Where you at? - This positively infuriates me. There is no way I will ever believe that this is easier or faster to type or say than the proper version, "Where are you?" This phrase feels like a deliberate attempt to sound more clueless. Get a job.
UR - Meaning, your. Because on the internet, the letters Y and O are abhorred.
2nite - I can just envision Eric Clapton crooning, "I say yes, you look wonderful 2nite..."
GTG - Representing "Got to Go". Wow, you must have an urgent need to depart, you didn't even have time to write the god damn words! This one is doubly irritating, because it is an acronym for a grammatically incorrect phrase. Why couldn't it be HTG, for "I have to go"?
What if these things slip into mainstream culture? We put kids through years and years of schooling in order to make them functional adults, and a large part of that is the understanding and utilization of written words. I'm not saying I expect a works cited page with every email - I'm just afraid that one day, some employer is going to receive a cover letter that looks like this:
Mr. Joe Whatever
Human Resources Manager
That One Company
Detroit, MI
Dear Joe,
Sup? i needs $$. im good @ work so u should hire me. K?
Well, GTG, c u l8er
Signed,
Some Douche
Won't that be a terrible day? In olden times (10 years ago), you wouldn't be able to get away with drawing a smiley face on an interoffice memo. I'm serious, they would fire a bitch for that, no joke. By allowing ourselves to use these corner-cutting, IQ draining emblems, we are dragging the level of discourse to its lowest state.
If you have used these in the past, don't worry, I don't hate you! All is forgiven. You probably owned Pogs! too. Just quit using 'em.
If you would like to pass this message on, and you have a friend who commits this literary felony, you know what will fix his little red wagon? A punch in the wiener. For-Realzz.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Hung Over
ooOOOOoooOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo man............bad thinking. Coffee not helping. Brain function not good so.
Damn.
Damn.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tune Your Drums
You can always spot a drummer that doesn't perform very often. Not only by the fact that they normally aren't very good, but there are other signs as well. For instance, the toms will be set up at awkward angles, indicating that the drummer in question is not very comfortable tearing down and setting up the set. However, the one that bothers me the most is more subtle, and is made more annoying by how easy it would be to fix.
You see, drummers that primarily play in their basements or garages hardly ever get the chance to hear someone else play their drums. By always being behind the kit, it's impossible to know how your drums, tuned the way that you have them tuned, sound from the viewpoint of the audience. Three things take place - first, the drummer's proximity to the drums makes them seem louder and snappier than they sound to the crowd, which is a natural effect of acoustics. Second, the drummer is, in a way, behind the sound. The drummer sits on the impact side of the instrument, and the air and sound is being projected forward, after it has a chance to ring through the wood of the drum, the resonant head, and whatever mics have been set up. Third, the sound of the drums is dampened by the sound of all the other instruments on stage. To get an idea of what this sounds like, it is exactly like putting studio rings or masking tape on the drums - the sound is muffled, shorter, and darker.
The end result is that the drummer is back there rocking away, and the audience is hearing mud. The muffling effect is most noticeable on the snare drum - get up behind the drummer, and the snare sounds poppy and sharp. Move to the front of the stage with the crowd, and it is almost indistinguishable from the music, meaning it can't project that essential backbeat and give the song any rhythm. This is extremely common with broken dreams bands and weekend warrior cover bands. Having never played a show where drummers share a set, or stood in the crowd while a friend sat in, the player never realizes how bad their set sounds.
There is a simple solution to this - TUNE YER GODDAM DRUMS. Take a drum key and actually tune your drums, and listen. The snare should be sharper and more "ringy" than you want it to actually sound to the crowd. The toms should ring for just a little longer than you want them to, and this is easily controlled with any of the million drum muffling products on the market. With every part of your kit projecting a little more sound than you think is appropriate, the sound that will actually cut through the band will sound natural, lively, and genuine. In other words, good. If your drums are being mic'ed, a lot of this problem goes away.
Yeah, nothing really funny in this one. It's just a pet peeve.
You see, drummers that primarily play in their basements or garages hardly ever get the chance to hear someone else play their drums. By always being behind the kit, it's impossible to know how your drums, tuned the way that you have them tuned, sound from the viewpoint of the audience. Three things take place - first, the drummer's proximity to the drums makes them seem louder and snappier than they sound to the crowd, which is a natural effect of acoustics. Second, the drummer is, in a way, behind the sound. The drummer sits on the impact side of the instrument, and the air and sound is being projected forward, after it has a chance to ring through the wood of the drum, the resonant head, and whatever mics have been set up. Third, the sound of the drums is dampened by the sound of all the other instruments on stage. To get an idea of what this sounds like, it is exactly like putting studio rings or masking tape on the drums - the sound is muffled, shorter, and darker.
The end result is that the drummer is back there rocking away, and the audience is hearing mud. The muffling effect is most noticeable on the snare drum - get up behind the drummer, and the snare sounds poppy and sharp. Move to the front of the stage with the crowd, and it is almost indistinguishable from the music, meaning it can't project that essential backbeat and give the song any rhythm. This is extremely common with broken dreams bands and weekend warrior cover bands. Having never played a show where drummers share a set, or stood in the crowd while a friend sat in, the player never realizes how bad their set sounds.
There is a simple solution to this - TUNE YER GODDAM DRUMS. Take a drum key and actually tune your drums, and listen. The snare should be sharper and more "ringy" than you want it to actually sound to the crowd. The toms should ring for just a little longer than you want them to, and this is easily controlled with any of the million drum muffling products on the market. With every part of your kit projecting a little more sound than you think is appropriate, the sound that will actually cut through the band will sound natural, lively, and genuine. In other words, good. If your drums are being mic'ed, a lot of this problem goes away.
Yeah, nothing really funny in this one. It's just a pet peeve.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Coffee
Let's face it: coffee is delicious. Well, eventually. When I was younger I couldn't stand the stuff. In fact, necessity is the only factor that encouraged me to start drinking it. There was a similar situation for me with beer, but the "necessity" factor is harder to apply while remaining completely truthful. The situation driving my need to learn to drink coffee was breakfast. While in culinary school, there was a breakfast cookery class that began at 2:00am. Officially I think it was scheduled to begin at 3:00am, but everyone started showing up around 2:00 since it took so long to get your brain and body functioning to the point that you could handle flame and knives without catastrophic injury.
In my time in restaurants (and teaching in fancy-schmancy kitchen stores), I have learned several key items to consider to make an ideal cup of coffee. These things may seem relatively straightforward, but since we've all had bad cups of coffee, someone must be mucking it up somewhere in the world.
The first thing is the selection and storage of the beans. Preferably you want whole beans, and this isn't a "class" or "luxury" issue, it is a bona fide requirement to producing better coffee. The reason is this (and this is very important): coffee is the result of the OILS in the beans being washed out with hot water and then drunk. These oils have a shelf life and will go rancid. For every second that passes between the grinding of the beans and the brewing of the coffee, oils are evaporating or drying out or being rubbed onto packaging, all of which detracts from the eventual flavor of your beverage. It's as though the whole coffee bean is acting as a little oil storage and protection pod. This effects storage as well. Keeping your coffee fresher by putting it in the freezer is a time-honored tradition, and also completely useless. Have you ever tried to freeze a bottle of oil? It has no effect on the shelf life whatsoever. On the other hand, it won't hurt the beans, so if you're short some shelf space go ahead and throw the bag in the freezer. If you do not use a disposable container for your beans and put them in a jar or hopper, it is vitally important that you clean the damn thing out once in a while! This is because the oil from the beans will rub off on the sides of the container, and eventually will go rancid. This means that each time you refill said container without cleaning it you are dumping clean, fresh, delicious beans with bright futures into a ratty swamp of rotten oils. I can almost guarantee this is why gas station coffee is so bad - they just keep refilling the hopper on their grinder with new beans and never clean it out.
That being said, the next concern is the level of grind and the appropriate ratio of grounds to water. As a general rule, the level of grind should be determined by how long they are in contact with the water (i.e. large, rough grind for percolators or a French press, fine grinds for a filter or coffee maker, very fine grind for an espresso machine). Also, coffee mills are better than coffee grinders because they are more consistent, and you wont have to worry about the random huge unground chunk. The rule of thumb for the ratio is one tablespoon of grounds for each cup of water. Stronger is almost always better, so a little extra grounds probably won't hurt.
Other than that, coffee is easy.
In my time in restaurants (and teaching in fancy-schmancy kitchen stores), I have learned several key items to consider to make an ideal cup of coffee. These things may seem relatively straightforward, but since we've all had bad cups of coffee, someone must be mucking it up somewhere in the world.
The first thing is the selection and storage of the beans. Preferably you want whole beans, and this isn't a "class" or "luxury" issue, it is a bona fide requirement to producing better coffee. The reason is this (and this is very important): coffee is the result of the OILS in the beans being washed out with hot water and then drunk. These oils have a shelf life and will go rancid. For every second that passes between the grinding of the beans and the brewing of the coffee, oils are evaporating or drying out or being rubbed onto packaging, all of which detracts from the eventual flavor of your beverage. It's as though the whole coffee bean is acting as a little oil storage and protection pod. This effects storage as well. Keeping your coffee fresher by putting it in the freezer is a time-honored tradition, and also completely useless. Have you ever tried to freeze a bottle of oil? It has no effect on the shelf life whatsoever. On the other hand, it won't hurt the beans, so if you're short some shelf space go ahead and throw the bag in the freezer. If you do not use a disposable container for your beans and put them in a jar or hopper, it is vitally important that you clean the damn thing out once in a while! This is because the oil from the beans will rub off on the sides of the container, and eventually will go rancid. This means that each time you refill said container without cleaning it you are dumping clean, fresh, delicious beans with bright futures into a ratty swamp of rotten oils. I can almost guarantee this is why gas station coffee is so bad - they just keep refilling the hopper on their grinder with new beans and never clean it out.
That being said, the next concern is the level of grind and the appropriate ratio of grounds to water. As a general rule, the level of grind should be determined by how long they are in contact with the water (i.e. large, rough grind for percolators or a French press, fine grinds for a filter or coffee maker, very fine grind for an espresso machine). Also, coffee mills are better than coffee grinders because they are more consistent, and you wont have to worry about the random huge unground chunk. The rule of thumb for the ratio is one tablespoon of grounds for each cup of water. Stronger is almost always better, so a little extra grounds probably won't hurt.
Other than that, coffee is easy.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Get A Job
To fully understand the proper usage for the phrase "get a job", one must see it utilized in the myriad day-to-day situations to which it is suited. The phrase conveys derision, or at least disapproval in most situations, but in other forms can be used to express camaraderie and a team effort. "Get a job" is a useful and powerful phrase, and is almost impossible to overuse. To make sure that your usage of "get a job" is correct, please refer to the examples below, and practice with your friends.
Situations in which "get a job" is used to express derision or disdain:
You see a news report about the latest political scandal. You say: "That is ridiculous. Someone needs to tell that bitch to get a job."
Your friend shows up to meet you 30 minutes late. You say: "Dude, you need to get a job."
You lose fantastically at a video game. You say: "That was terrible. I need to get a job."
You are discussing the most recent boneheaded political maneuver that seems to nudge our entire society closer to the brink of utter catastrophe: You say: "Did you read in the paper what (politician's name) is doing? I mean, get a job. Seriously."
In self-defense, e.g. someone says: "Hey, WTF man? What were you thinking?", and you respond: "You know what? Get a job."
Situations in which "get a job" is used to convey camaraderie:
In greeting, e.g. via a text message that reads: "Oh, Steve is there? Tell him to get a job."
As a generally delivered non sequitur, e.g. you interrupt a conversation with: "Hey, Hey everyone! ...get a job."
With enough practice the use of "get a job" will become second nature, a sort of knee-jerk response of awesomeness. Create your own inventive ways to use this powerful, all-encompassing phrase!
Dave out. Get a job.
Situations in which "get a job" is used to express derision or disdain:
You see a news report about the latest political scandal. You say: "That is ridiculous. Someone needs to tell that bitch to get a job."
Your friend shows up to meet you 30 minutes late. You say: "Dude, you need to get a job."
You lose fantastically at a video game. You say: "That was terrible. I need to get a job."
You are discussing the most recent boneheaded political maneuver that seems to nudge our entire society closer to the brink of utter catastrophe: You say: "Did you read in the paper what (politician's name) is doing? I mean, get a job. Seriously."
In self-defense, e.g. someone says: "Hey, WTF man? What were you thinking?", and you respond: "You know what? Get a job."
Situations in which "get a job" is used to convey camaraderie:
In greeting, e.g. via a text message that reads: "Oh, Steve is there? Tell him to get a job."
As a generally delivered non sequitur, e.g. you interrupt a conversation with: "Hey, Hey everyone! ...get a job."
With enough practice the use of "get a job" will become second nature, a sort of knee-jerk response of awesomeness. Create your own inventive ways to use this powerful, all-encompassing phrase!
Dave out. Get a job.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Woodward Cover Letter
This is the cover letter that we send out with the press kits. Is eye-catching, no?
______________________________________________________
Dear (Name),
Allow me, if I may, to introduce you to the remarkable phenomenon that is Woodward. I can, without a shadow of a doubt, tell you that if you stop any person on the street in Detroit and ask them if they know about Woodward, they will react as though you have asked them if they could count up to three. Quick side note, did you know you can use Woodward to water your lawn? That is, as long as you don’t mind mowing it ever hour, for the rest of your life. And now back to the point.
Woodward would be just fine rocking the bones of Detroit. However, the stars beckon, and the music cannot be contained. Also, to deny the world the chance to listen to Woodward would be travesty of the highest order. In order to reach every corner of this flat, flat Earth, we will need your help. We will need your guidance and experience to help us move to the next level, and coat the country with the music of Woodward.
So, please peruse the attached media kit. At your leisure. I invite you to discover the most original and enjoyable band to come out of Detroit in years. I invite you to discover why:
· We leave every show with a suitcase full of panties, and one jock strap (there’s always one).
· The band house stands on a single precipice of rock, surrounded by a crater.
· Other bands leave our shows faced with the question, “Do I go practice, or burn my instrument?”
· Venues prepare for our arrival by boarding windows and reinforcing any load-bearing supports.
· People, the world over, will find something in Woodward that is special, and they will want more.
We hope you feel the same way about the music that we do.
Cordially,
Woodward
______________________________________________________
Dear (Name),
Allow me, if I may, to introduce you to the remarkable phenomenon that is Woodward. I can, without a shadow of a doubt, tell you that if you stop any person on the street in Detroit and ask them if they know about Woodward, they will react as though you have asked them if they could count up to three. Quick side note, did you know you can use Woodward to water your lawn? That is, as long as you don’t mind mowing it ever hour, for the rest of your life. And now back to the point.
Woodward would be just fine rocking the bones of Detroit. However, the stars beckon, and the music cannot be contained. Also, to deny the world the chance to listen to Woodward would be travesty of the highest order. In order to reach every corner of this flat, flat Earth, we will need your help. We will need your guidance and experience to help us move to the next level, and coat the country with the music of Woodward.
So, please peruse the attached media kit. At your leisure. I invite you to discover the most original and enjoyable band to come out of Detroit in years. I invite you to discover why:
· We leave every show with a suitcase full of panties, and one jock strap (there’s always one).
· The band house stands on a single precipice of rock, surrounded by a crater.
· Other bands leave our shows faced with the question, “Do I go practice, or burn my instrument?”
· Venues prepare for our arrival by boarding windows and reinforcing any load-bearing supports.
· People, the world over, will find something in Woodward that is special, and they will want more.
We hope you feel the same way about the music that we do.
Cordially,
Woodward
Nice Tie
Wow, that sure is a nice tie. Very bold, and powerful. It makes you look professional. I bet you get asked on a lot of dates, wearing a tie like that. Oh wait, is that a coffee stain? It is! Oh no, that ruins my impression of you entirely, you slob!
You're dead to me now.
Nice tie, though.
You're dead to me now.
Nice tie, though.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Dave is the old Dave
This is true, I am the old Dave. I also am the new Dave, and any other incursions of Dave that may occur in the coming months. Year, even. Yes, I can state with reasonable certainty that I will continue to be Dave on almost any date in the forseeable future. Unless I enter the witness protection program, in which case I shall be called Jupiter Christoph.
In truth, I am just trying to feel out this whole blogging thing. This is the literary equivalent of tapping a microphone and saying, blankly, "Is this thing on?" It seems functional.
More updates as events warrant.
In truth, I am just trying to feel out this whole blogging thing. This is the literary equivalent of tapping a microphone and saying, blankly, "Is this thing on?" It seems functional.
More updates as events warrant.
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